The 36 questions to fall in love are a list of prompts two people answer in turn, starting light and growing more personal. Couples who are already together can use them too. Treat the list as a slow evening of conversation rather than an experiment: revisit answers you think you know, ask how they have changed, and let either of you pass on any question.
Where the 36 questions come from
Arthur Aron, a research professor at Stony Brook University who studies relationships, wrote the 36 questions as part of that research. In an NPR interview, Aron described them as a laboratory procedure to create closeness, usually not romantic closeness. The first asks whom you would want as a dinner guest if you could choose anyone in the world. The fourth asks what would constitute a perfect day for you.
That background matters if you have been together for years. The list was written for people who barely know each other, so some prompts will feel basic. Nothing about it promises a stronger relationship. Think of it as a structured reason to hear your partner talk about things that rarely come up on an ordinary weeknight.
Turn the questions you already know into new ones
The biggest adjustment for a long-term couple is what to do with a question you could answer for your partner. Instead of skipping it, ask how the answer has shifted. If you heard about their dream dinner guest on an early date, ask whether it is still the same person and what changed.
Illustrative example: one partner says a perfect day used to mean a packed itinerary in a new city, and now it means a slow breakfast with nowhere to be. That gap is the interesting part. Ask what made it shift, and let them finish before you offer your own theory.
- Would your answer have been different when we first met?
- What changed your mind about that?
- Which part of this answer would surprise the person I was when we met?
Pace the list for two people who know each other
The questions get more personal gradually, so the heaviest ones arrive near the end. Follow the order at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you. An NPR Life Kit article on Mandy Len Catron's advice notes that sharing too much too soon can feel uncomfortable.
You do not need to finish in one sitting. A dozen questions can easily fill an evening once you add follow-ups. Stop while the conversation is still good, note where you left off, and pick it up later in the week. Before you start, agree that either of you can pass on any question without explaining why.
Keep it a conversation, not a test
Some of the more personal prompts ask you to tell your partner what you like about them or to name your most treasured memory. With someone you love, those answers can carry weight. If an answer stings or surprises you, ask about it gently instead of debating it. The goal is to listen, not to score how well you know each other.
You do not need any special setup. A printed copy of the list works, and so does a jar of handwritten prompts for later nights. An app like Paloma is another option if you want more questions once you finish. Some couples may prefer to ask one new question at a time instead of a full list.
- What is something you like about me that you have not said out loud in a while?
- If you could keep only one memory of us, which would it be?
Common questions about the 36 questions for couples
Where can you find the full list, and should you read it first?
The complete list is widely reprinted online under Arthur Aron's name. Reading it together first is fine; each of you can quietly mark a question you would rather skip.
Can you do the 36 questions over a video call?
Yes. Each of you needs a copy of the list, a quiet room and enough time to take turns without checking other messages.
What if your partner does not want to try it?
Let it go. You could offer a few lighter prompts or try our date night questions another time, and accept a no without pushing.
- What would you want to ask me that is not on any list?